Coming Out
Why Come Out?
Some of the most difficult and important decisions in the lives of gay, lesbian or bisexual people surround "coming out"_ that is, deciding to be honest and open about our sexual orientation. The fact that you are reading this page is a sign that you may be questioning your sexual orientation or you know someone who is doing so. This page aims to answer some of those questions and refer you to other helpful resources.
Gay people are everywhere, and every day, more of us are deciding to live honestly. This is critically important to our community because the only way we will stop the discrimination we face is to reveal our true selves to our friends, our families and our neighbors. National polls have shown that people who know someone who is lesbian or gay are far more likely to support equal rights for all gay people. So in effect, coming out may be one small step for a gay man or lesbian but it contributes to the giant leap we are making for all gay people, today and in the future.
If you are thinking hard about whether and how you should come out, you're probably wondering, "What is this going to do to my life? Will my family accept me, will my friends still like me? How do I know if this is the right thing to do?" These are all valid questions and you are not the first person - nor will you be the last - to struggle with them.
While being an openly lesbian, gay or bisexual person in this society isn't easy, it is so much more gratifying than being in the closet. Lying and hiding, worrying that someone will discover your secret, consumes a lot of personal energy and detracts from the quality of a person's life. No one should be denied the opportunity to thrive and flourish as a full human being because his or her sexual orientation is different from that of the majority.
Our community has come a long way in the decades since the rebellion at the Stonewall Inn - which began the modern gay rights movement - but it still has a long way to go. And this page can't give you all the answers about the coming out process but it will give you some. And then it will point you toward other resources that can help you as you grapple with the life-altering and potentially life-enhancing decision to come out.
It is important to emphasize
that coming out is something that you should not be
Being attracted to someone of the same sex can be frightening _ so frightening that you may deny your feelings, or throw yourself into dating the opposite sex, just to prove you are not gay or lesbian.
But then the feelings come up again. You try to put them out of your mind but you can't. Finally, you stop resisting, and in that instant, your world changes. You discover that being with someone of the same sex feels better than being with the opposite sex ever did. But what will this mean for the rest of your life?
Certainly, life is more challenging if you are gay or lesbian. It requires that you develop the courage to honor your own experience of love above anyone else's judgments about it. But you can do it. Millions of people have, and many say it was the best thing they ever did.
There is no one way people realize that they are attracted to the same sex. Some always know it. Some learn it at puberty. Some figure it out it in college. Some recognize it only after getting married to someone of the opposite sex. But whenever the feelings come up, almost everyone wonders: How do I know if I'm really gay, lesbian or bisexual?
On the one hand, it's very simple: If your strongest emotional and sexual attractions are to people of the same sex, you're gay or lesbian. If they're equally strong to the same and the opposite sex, you're bisexual.
On the other hand, sexual orientation is confusing because most of us were raised to think of ourselves as heterosexual. Our parents, teachers and our culture told us that some day, we'd meet someone of the opposite sex and get married. No one ever said we might fall in love with someone of the same sex. That's why we're shocked when it happens.
Unless there's someone gay in your family, you probably never considered the possibility that you yourself might be lesbian or gay. Moreover, you probably have heard many negative stereotypes of gay and lesbian people _ but most of these are based on erroneous or inadequate information; what you need are the facts.
No one knows how many people are gay, lesbian or bisexual. The best estimates we currently have indicate that between 3 percent and 6 percent of the population is gay. However, even the most reputable estimates are colored by the fact that many people are afraid or unwilling to be identified as gay or lesbian, even in an anonymous survey. So the true number is probably even higher. But whatever the number, the facts are the same:
But it's OK to seek help in dealing with the confusing feelings you might be having about your sexual orientation. Coming out is a major life decision and as with reaching any other personal milestone, you might seek professional help through the process. Just remember: The anxiety you are feeling is probably the result of family or social prejudice against homosexuality, not homosexuality itself.
And if you dream about having children, you can do so if you're gay or lesbian. Many gay and lesbian couples have children through adoption, artificial insemination or previous relationships. Plus, all the scientific evidence to date shows the children of gay couples are just as likely to grow up happy and well-adjusted as the children of heterosexual relationships.
More recently, musicians Stephem Gateley of Boyzone, Boy George, George Michael, Elton John, David Bowie and k.d. lang, actress Ellen DeGeneres has come out as lesbian; and Policticians in the UK, Chris Smith, Stephen Twigg and Michael Portillo... many others will emerge in the passage of time.
Coming out means identifying yourself as gay, lesbian or bisexual. The first and toughest person you have to reveal this to is yourself. Then you can deal with friends and family. For many people, the coming out process is difficult. But most people come out because, sooner or later, they can't stand hiding who they are any more. Once they've come out, most people have to admit: It feels much better to be open and honest than to lie and hide.
Ellen DeGeneres, actress: For me, [coming out] has been the most freeing experience because people can't hurt me anymore.
Andrew Sullivan, writer: ...to me, it was like being in a black-and-white movie that suddenly converted to color.
"Growing up, I felt there was something about me that truly set me apart from other kids. But I didn't have a grasp on what it was," says Candace Gingrich, a spokeswoman for the Human Rights Campaign and half-sister of House Speaker Newt Gingrich."
"I had a few fleeting crushes on girls and, then, a full-blown crush. Inside, they felt right and normal. But at the same time, I didn't have any way to process those feelings because I didn't know any gay people or know that I knew them. I felt that I would risk something if I expressed my feelings."
Candace started playing on a rugby team, and for the first time saw women being openly affectionate to each other. "It was like being dropped into what was originally a foreign country but, once there, I realized it was my country of origin. I thought, Wow, the feelings I've been having are normal. It is OK to be who I am."
Coming out to yourself means recognizing and accepting that you're primarily attracted to the same sex. But how do you get from recognition to acceptance? It helps to talk to someone. But who? And what should you say?
Some people come out when someone asks them if they're gay or lesbian. Others make a point of pulling people aside and saying, "There's something I have to tell you."
If you choose the latter option, ask yourself: "Who is the most open-minded and caring person I know who is also the least likely to be shocked, threatened or put off?" This might be a friend, a relative or a teacher. Tell that person you have questions about your sexual orientation, or you're trying to come to terms with your sexual orientation, and you'd like to talk. Say you've come to them because you trust them.
If you don't already know someone like this, consider talking to a school counselor, a
therapist, or a member of a gay and lesbian student group. Gay-straight alliances exist in
many high schools and colleges. There are support groups at most gay and lesbian community
centers. Many communities have lesbian and gay switchboards. You might seek out nearby
churches or synagogues that minister primarily to lesbians and gay men. And there are many
gay youth and coming out sites on the World Wide Web, including the Human Rights
Campaign's National Coming Out site, which you can access through http://www.hrc.org. (See
Additional Resources for more details.)
You can get a sense of how accepting your friends and family are by the things they say, or don't say, when the subject of homosexuality comes up in conversation. You might try to bring it up yourself by talking about gay issues in the news - such as the Ellen TV show, or the debates over equal rights in the workplace for lesbians and gays. If your friends' or your family's reactions are positive, chances are they'll be more accepting of you. But keep in mind that it's easier for most people to accept gay men and lesbians in the abstract; it's a bit different when it's "my son"or "my daughter"or even "my best friend."
When you're ready to come out to your friends, you may be lucky enough to have some gay or lesbian friends to help you. But heterosexual friends can also be staunch supporters. Choose carefully as you reveal this fundamental part of yourself. Many gay people find that the friends they thought would be most judgmental were the first to drop them, while those who seemed unlikely allies offered the strongest support. Along the way, you might lose a few people whom you thought were friends. But you'll learn many valuable lessons about what the word "friendship"means.
Actor Wilson Cruz, who played Ricky on US TV's My So-Called Life, says he was fortunate. "There was a group of us who had been friends since junior high school. I think we all knew everyone else was gay but we never said anything to each other.
"Then, in the beginning of our senior year, we all started to come out to each other. I came out first, and they were relieved that I told them and then they were relieved to tell me. It was very cool because by the end of the year, we had an incredible support group and didn't care what anyone else thought."
"She said, This isn't really who you are. This is a phase. You can change. You can
go to therapy.
"But I said, No, this is who I am, and I'm happy."
While it took time, Linda says her family finally let go of the fantasy of the person she
was and came to accept the real Linda Villarosa.
The worst did happen to actor Wilson Cruz: His father threw him out.
"I lived in my car for three months," Cruz recalls. For a year, he and his father barely talked. Then one night, My So Called Life aired an episode in which Cruz's character was thrown out of his house for being gay. Cruz's father was watching.
"He called me up after that, and it was very moving. He saw what I went through on an emotional and a physical level, and started to see what he'd done wrong. Now, I wouldn't say it's a complete transformation but he's definitely a lot more accepting of me. We talk all the time, better than before I came out."
While Wilson's experience was more dramatic than most, it shows that even people who
react negatively at first can come around in time. It may not be easy for you to give them
this time. But don't be discouraged. In the long run, nothing helps as much as patience.
Spirituality and Coming Out
Many people find strength and support from their faith as they struggle to come out as gay, lesbian or bisexual. At first, this might sound like a contradiction, since so many organized religions teach that homosexuality is wrong or immoral. But most religions also teach that God is merciful. Youth activist Jamie Nabozny was raised Pentecostal and hoped to become a minister someday. But he was gay and thought the only worse thing he could be was Satan himself. So he tried to put his same-sex attractions aside until, one day, he had a talk with God.
"I walked as far as I could into a big field. I was crying, praying and hollering at God. I said, I've read the Bible, I've prayed, I go to church three times a week. Every time I have a homosexual thought, I rebuke it in the name of God and yet still I'm gay. Either you're not there, or you don't give a damn that I'm gay. It took me a little while but then I realized God was OK with it. The God I really believed in was not a God that hated or condemned people."
This is an experience many people go through. Faced with a conflict between their religion and their feelings, many people come to realize that the God they truly believe in could never condemn people for loving. Some people find their spirituality even helps them come out.
If You Already Belong To One Minority Group...
"I was taught from early on that Latinos and people of color are looked down on," says Wilson Cruz, who is Puerto Rican. "Then to be homosexual on top of that is one more thing people can look down on us for."
Cruz, who played a gay character on My So-Called Life, felt it especially because his Latino heritage strongly rejects homosexuality. "There are certain expectations of what a man is supposed to be, and when you don't fit into those molds, you're seen as less than worthy of your race.
"But I've learned there are certain expectations you will never live up to, and you have to get to the point where that's OK. What's helped me is remembering that I'm only here to be as honest and open as I can be in the life that's been given me. I also expect that anyone who is going to be in my life is going to have to love and understand that."
As an African-American lesbian, Linda Villarosa went through a similar learning experience. Confused and not sure about her sexual orientation, she did not explore her feelings because she was trying to fit into a white neighborhood and didn't want to do anything others could think of as wrong.
Finally, in college, "I came out because I couldn't stand not being myself any more." But then she went to work at Essence magazine and was again afraid to come out. "I think what happens when you're black is you feel your community is an oasis against some of the white racist people you know, and you become really afraid you're going to lose that."
But, once again, she found she couldn't stand hiding any more, and she took the chance: "My boss and I were in her car coming back from a weekend editorial retreat, and she was saying something about fixing me up with her brother-in-law. And I just blurted out, I'm a lesbian. She was embarrassed about the brother-in-law and very kind. And that Monday, I came out to just about everybody else at work, and everyone was fine."
A year later, she came out to seven million readers in a widely acclaimed Essence article she wrote with her mother and was later promoted to executive editor of the magazine.
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